In reality there is only Love

An atom will only bond with another atom if they either have electrons to give or they need electrons to complete their electron shell making them complete. It is a give and take situation. The amount of energy and time needed to form a bond is less compared to the vast amount of energy and time required to break this bond once formed. 

Is the above a lecture on high school chemistry or is it out of a book on a guide to love?

In reality, what are human beings? We are whole, then we can be broken down to the various systems, the systems are made up of organs, the organs comprise of tissue, tissue is further broken down to cells, cells are made up of macro molecules, then you get micro molecules and then atoms. So, you and are merely atoms that are interacting with one another, forming and breaking bonds.

However we are much more than just atoms randomly interacting in some space and time dimension. Human beings are far more complex. They have the ability to feel various wonderful and disastrous emotions, they can cognate, philosophise and do this thing called thinking.

Each one of us has in built within us, a set of values or beliefs.  We are programmed to live according to these values and beliefs. This determines how we view the world, how we react when someone does something to us, be it good or bad, and what makes us feel happy or sad.

No two people have the exact same values in the world, if they do, one is not necessary. There is one person in the world that has the exact opposite values of you and the purpose of marriage is to have you meet this personJ

Every human being has a strong need to live according to their values. Therefore in reality no one actually does anything wrong to you. They are simply living according to their values and the hurt you may feel is because they have violated one of your own values. Right and wrong are both philosophical polarities that have been injected into our belief systems by society, religious law, family, and friends. So you determine what is right and wrong based on your own experience. Your values and beliefs are therefore not necessarily right or wrong. They are just that, beliefs and values.

When we are in a relationship with someone they stay in the relationship because you are living or reacting in accordance with their values. Every relationship has a tolerance zone. The moment you push too much against their values they leave you. If something better comes along that acts more in accordance to their values, they leave you. The key to having a success and lasting relationship is to communicate to them in terms of their values and beliefs.

Lets use an example to clarify what I am talking about.

Susan friend had just phoned her to tell her the fantastic news. Their employer has booked all of the female staff to a day at a beauty spa, all expenses paid courtesy of the company. Susan was really excited as pampering and spoiling herself was on her top list of things to do. The date was set for 10 November.

Brian her boyfriend had called her one hour later. He had just heard that was to receive an award for outstanding work in his research and he was to be presented with a gift on the 10 November. He wanted Susan to be there as he loved her and this was to be the one of the most memorable moments in his life and he wanted to share that with her.

Susan had a dilemma. It is not often that she gets a free day at a beauty spa. It was a priceless opportunity. Further more she would have extra time to spend with her friends. Can you already see the fight and argument that can arise here?

Susan explains her situation to Brian. She suggests that they could perhaps celebrate the following day with supper.

Now Brian could get upset. Susan has violated his values. He believes that you should be there for the one you lobe no matter the plans you have. He had missed an important business opportunity because Susan wanted him to be there for her graduation. However, he was there for her. How could she not want to be there for him now? Does Susan love him less? No. Not at all. She is simply acting in accordance to her values.  So how does Brian get what he wants? He needs to communicate to Susan in terms of her values. You have to link what you want to what they want. You cannot simply live a life according to their values. When you do this you are desperately trying not to lose that person, but in the end you lose yourself. You stop being you. So this is what Brian tells Susan.

“Honey, I understand, but let me tell you what I had planned.”

“What is it honey bunny?” asks Susan.

“Well, you see my pumpkin pie, the meeting was inGauteng, and I had intended to fly up business class with you. I had made arrangements with the Hilton Hotel and booked us into the honeymoon suite. We would have access to a masseuse, the heated pool, dinner cooked by one of the finest chefs in the world. We would have our own private Jacuzzi to relax in and we would make love for hours. To add that, I was going to take to shopping to get you that new Gucci dress and a pair of those Prada shoes that you wanted. So sweet pea, if you still want to go for that day at the beauty spa, I really understand. I love you.

What do you think Susan did? Of course she went with him! Now use the principal here to understand where your partner is coming from, to get what you want, and to live a more harmonious relationship.

There are 5 aspects that make up a relationship. They are: physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and psychological. Unless you can balance all 5 of these in accordance to both involved there is bound to be more trouble than is needed and you are simply setting yourself up to experience heart break and pain.

So what is love? There is unconditional love and there is conditional love. Conditional love is what most of us are involved in. It is love given in order to receive something in return. It is “I love you, but only when you act in a certain way. I love you if you do this and that. I love you because I need something from you.” This is pseudo love. It is poison. It is like smoking cigarettes. It destroys relationships slowly, but the love does die.  Unconditional love on the other hand is love that is given without expectation of return and it is love that has no terms and conditions. Love given in this way is returned a thousand fold. Love means to respect, to understand, to trust, and to let go.

“The best way to give love is to get love, the best way to lose love is to hold onto it too tightly, the best way to keep love is to give it wings” Anon.

When you are born you are born whole and complete. You have all that you ever need in your life. However most people have this untrue belief that you need someone to complete you. John Gray, Author of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus says that you should find someone who should complement you and not supplement you. Get involved to share and not to take.

There is the Law in Chemistry that is called the Law of Conservation of Mass. It says that matter cannot be created or destroyed in a chemical reaction but change from one form to the next. When someone leaves us, we feel that we have lost so much, but in reality, nothing is ever lost. You partner maybe have been your best friend, given you hugs when you needed, made you laugh and always called you. Now that they have gone, you feel that you do not have this anymore. However on closer inspection you will find that you still have all of the above but now it is shared with not one but 4 other people. A new friend will walk into your life and be there for you. Your sister now hugs you more than before. Suddenly your neighbour just says the silliest of things making you laugh and your long lost friend calls you everyday. As you can see nothing is lost. But because we live in the past and hold onto old pattern and become addicted to how we received the above we become blind to it still being present.

There is three facets of a romantic relationship. You are either infatuated, you are in love or you are resentful. 

When you are infatuated with someone you find more similarities with that person than differences. When you are resented, you find more differences than they are similarities.

When you are infatuated then you put them on a pedestal and worship them and make yourself feel less worthy than they are. When you are resentful you put them in pits and you look down upon them. Anytime that you are infatuated or resentful to someone that person occupies time and space in you mind and life. Therefore they end up running your life. If you let someone RUN your life they will RUiN your life.

When you are in love the hypothalamus releases feel good hormones that make you want to lick your partner like a candy stick. You become addicted to this feeling and you crave this “sugar”. You find yourself using words like sweetheart, honey, cupcake, sugar. When you resent them or hate them you go to the other end of your through gut system, what words do you use now? Asshole, you piece of shit, you “wasted” my time. The key is to a fulfilling relationship to meet half way in that gut system where you can “stomach” (tolerate them) that person with all the good and bad and accept and respect that person for who they are. Knowing that they are indeed human with both positive and negative traits. People are sitting around waiting for the perfect person to come along but everyone is indeed perfect. We have every single emotion there is. Love, Anger, Pain, Hatred, Joy, Hope. We have all of these emotions. A relationship is made up of support and struggle, attraction and repulsion.

If you love too much you destroy a relationship. If you hurt too much you also destroy a relationship. The key is to love and hurt in equal proportions maintaining a well balanced happy relationship.

“When there is an implosion of love in your heart there will be an explosion of love in you life.”  Hitesh Surujbally